Mann's Generation, The Best Mann
by A. Mann
Summary: After Q insults Picard's fish, he tries to apologise by allowing a small team to visit the past and see the royal wedding. Season six.


Mann's Generation

The Best Mann

Season Six.

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><p>This is meant as a parody and it's doubtful that any of the characters resemble those in real life and even if events and titles are mentioned, there is nothing based on real people, if you think you'll be offended, bog off and don't read this. I accept no blame for anything and mean no offence to anyone except idiots. Also I can't be bothered looking for anymore mistakes right now, and I will check for more later.<p>

* * *

><p>Captain's Log, I have just acquired something… something, wondrous. I see it as the beginning of a universe…<p>

* * *

><p>On the bridge, Riker, Mann, Mm, Data, Worf, Troi, and Geordi all walk out of the front lift and take stations that other non-entities flee from and head to lifts.<p>

Riker: Begin Day Watch.

Mann: Aye.

The viewscreen activates and shows yet another repeat of Liar Liar.

Riker is standing in the command centre looking annoyed…

Voice: Whilst running a red light and…

Mann: SPEEDING!

The image goes transparent and shows that the ship is flying into an asteroid… It causes a string of cracks, as the ship bounces off it and spins off, everyone struggles for balance.

Riker: MANN!

Mann: Reducing velocity! Now on thrusters.

Data: Damage to forward saucer module…

Riker: We can see that!

Geordi: What? I can't…

Mann: Some idiot set us to warp six when we were meant to be at warp five! In fact, I don't even know why it didn't smash through the window and kill us all…

Comm: Bridge this is Guinan…

Riker surprised: Guinan?

Comm: Is everything alright up there?

Riker: I think so…

Comm: Well it's not down here! Everyone's spilled their drinks and when I hit that wall, my hat got crumpled!

Riker: DAMAGE CONTROL TEAM TO GUINAN'S HAT!

Mann: OW! Do you have to yell so loud?

Comm off noise.

Mann: Looks like someone had a deflector field active…

A globe glass tank on pylons, on wheels, drives on to the bridge from the ready room.

Pinky: I'm sorry about that, my deflector field obviously didn't do its job, I was trying to kill… I mean, protect someone.

Mann: If it's the Captain he's not here…

Riker: Where is the Captain?

Riker: PICARD TO THE BRIDGE!

Riker looks confused.

Pinky: HA! HAhahahaha! That's the dumbest look I've ever seen! You look like a confused ape…

Mann: Try fat ape…

THUD

Mann: OW!

Data: That is what you get for being so honest.

Troi: Why is everyone so uncomfortable this morning?

Riker faces Troi.

Riker loud: There's nothing on but news repeats and Liar Liar, and if not that, constant commercials for products that aren't even legal anymore!

Mann stands and faces Riker and Troi.

Mann: Add to that, you were rounding us all up last night, keeping us awake and in cages until Troi had a good night sleep.

Riker: I was concerned that you'd all try to 'comfort' her so I acted for the safety of this ship, the welfare of this crew…

Mann: You bas…

Pinky: WAIT! Before you brawl, I had a night mare, couldn't sleep.

Everyone quietly makes sympathy noises.

Mann: What happened?

Pinky: Jonny got his head stuck in something and it got removed.

Mann: You mean his head or the device?

Pinky: Will, I am so sorry for insulting you…

Riker: Pinky, would it help if I got the Captain up here?

Pinky: It might.

Riker: RIKER TO PICARD!

Riker: Something's wrong, Worf!

Worf: Security team to Captain's quarters.

Worf walks out.

Mann: Erm, that only works if you have a rank above lieutenant, that thing where you speak and the comm. activates without pushing any buttons, so no one's gonna meet him down there.

Riker: I'd like to see what's going on. Security team, meet me outside Captain's quarters!

Comm: Aye sir.

Riker walks up the ramp and out.

Mann: You know… I'm concerned too, Pinky?

Mann and Pinky head for the back lift.

Mann: Security to the Captain's quarters.

Comm: Aye sir.

Geordi: I'll be in Engineering.

He walks into the observation lounge.

Data: I believe it may be of significance for me to attend as well.

Data gets up and walks towards the back lift.

Data: Security, meet me at the Captain's quarters.

Comm: Aye sir.

Troi: I'd better go and help Will…

Troi gets up.

Troi: Security? Meet me on deck eight.

Troi walks out.

Comm: Aye sir.

With Mm and junior officers left…

Mm considers: Mm…

Mm heads for the lift and taps his badge…

* * *

><p>In a corridor, Mann, Riker, Troi, Data, Mm, Worf, Pinky, and twenty security officers are walking.<p>

Mann: Mann to Crusher, Medical assistance to Captain's quarters!

Comm: On my way.

At the next junction the bunch turn right and Crusher and a few medical officers join the gang from the left, advancing to the next junction, Geordi walks into Worf and they all stop.

Geordi: What the? Am I in the ships zoo?

Worf: NO.

Mann: Geordi? What are you doing here?

Geordi: I'm trying to get to Engineering!

Three more security appear behind Geordi.

Guy: Sir! There you are… Shall we escort you to Engineering?

Mann: No, you lot had all better come with us.

After more walking, Guinan appears from a side room holding her golden rifle, followed by bar staff.

Guinan: Picard didn't answer when I called the bridge, I'm concerned.

The now large group of about fifty people head down the corridor and stop outside Picard's room.

Riker presses the bell.

No answer.

Riker: Override security lock on this door, authorisation Riker Alpha Six Zero.

The door opens…

The bunch cautiously enter.

Picard distant: Oh Yaah! That's what I'm talkin' about!

Mann grabs his phaser and looks stunned.

Riker: The bathroom.

They all advance with the senior officers at the front.

Riker: What the?

Picard is bent over with his head inside a machine.

Picard: Yah!

Riker: CAPTAIN?

Picard: Riker?

He removes his head from the machine and stands up, and projects a massive glare into everyone's eyes.

Troi: IT'S BLINDING ME!

Geordi: WHAT IS?

Mann: This is awful!

Crusher: Worf, open your mouth…

Worf does so…

A green gas escapes and smothers Picard's head, and the shine and glare disappears.

Picard: Mister Worf, you really need to clean your teeth.

Riker: What is going on?

Mann: It's one of those things they use to shine up bowling balls…

Picard: Yes!

Mann: Pinky, maybe that wasn't a night mare you had…

Picard: GET OFF MY BRIDGE!

Mann: What?

Picard: You are standing on my train set!

Mann looks down to see a train set that goes in and out of the bathroom.

Mann: Oops.

He lifts his boot to reveal a small wooden bridge.

Mann: Guinan, show him setting number two…

Guinan fires at the bowling ball shiner and destroys it.

Picard screams and heads backwards into the wall.

Picard: NO! NO! NO-O-O-O-O-O! NO-O-O, OH! NO!

Troi: TROI TO LAFORGE!

Geordi: OW! I'm blind not deaf!

* * *

><p>On the bridge later, everyone is at their usual posts. A train set track runs around the bridge, a mini steam train zooms around it repeatedly.<p>

Mann: I can't believe that took six pages on Word.

Data: I beg your pardon?

Mann: Nothing.

Picard: I need a drink…

Mann: I need chocolate.

Riker sharp: NO!

Mann: Aaw...

* * *

><p>Later in Mann's quarters, he is at a poker table, Pinky in a tank with arm claws sits on the opposite site, both are holding cards and have a pile of chips, and poker chips in front of them.<p>

Mann: I keep betting with the wrong chips… I keep eating the plastic ones.

Pinky: I can't even eat chips, I'm in it for the salt.

Q appears.

Mann: Hey Qu.

Q: Q actually.

Mann: Ok, care to join us Qu?

Pinky: Q.

Q: Thank you Pinky.

Q magics up a chair and sits, Mann hands him some cards.

Mann: Ok, let's play this.

Q: What? No, get off my bridge? Or get lost Q?

Mann: Nope… Wouldn't be very kind of us would it?

Mann and Q and Pinky play through a round.

Q drops his cards to reveal a winning hand.

Mann: DANG!

Comm: Dang here? Science lab one standing-by.

Mann: Nothing. Mann out.

Q: Wait… Pinky you let me win!

Pinky: Course, you're the guest, and I love to make others happy.

Mann: Never works on Picard though.

Q: Pinky, you are a beacon of hope for humanity… A prize catch… I mean, a good find, for the crew.

Pinky: Catch were you going to say? Why do people always try to talk about me like food? Even the replicator said Mann wouldn't need any fish to go with the chips.

Mann: I don't eat fish.

Q: I am so sorry. Please forgive me…

Pinky: Alright… No good holding a grudge… it gives me wrinkles.

* * *

><p>In the ready room the next morning, Pinky is in the wall tank. Picard is standing in front of the desk. A toy train zooms around a track on the floor that goes around the ready room.<p>

Q appears.

Picard: Q!

Q: Mon Capitan!

Picard: GET OFF MY BRIDGE!

Q: Can't we get along just once?

Pinky: The train set Q.

Q moves and sits down on the couch.

Mann appears on the couch too.

Picard: What were you doing that made your hands be in that position?

Mann: I was strangling Spot…

Q: After last night, I really want to make it up to Pinky, so if there's anything I can do… Anywhere you'd like to go, any when you'd like to go…

Pinky: Ooh… I know, the period in the twenty first century, just before the world economy collapsed and most of the world went to war. Just when they all thought things were being fixed. Erm… England. Yeah, the country of fools, just before the day of doom in the USA, and the year of sharks in Iceland, in the year twenty eleven.

Mann: Yeah, I should be shocked at that, and offended, but it's all true.

Pinky: I want Mann and Jean Luc to come with me.

Q: Ok then…

Mann: Can it wait twenty minutes? I've got to finish my ironing.

Pinky: I don't see why not?

Later outside Mann's room, Picard is holding Pinky's tank, Data and Q and Riker are standing by.

MO-O-O-O-O-O-O-OW!

F-SH-H-H-H-H-H-H

Picard: What is going on in there?

Riker: Override lock on this door, authorisation Riker Alpha Seven Zero.

Door opens, Mann stands at an ironing board holding an iron in one hand.

Mann: Oh, just two seconds…

He puts the iron down.

Mann: Data, here, I think I got out all the creases.

Mann picks up a ginger slab, folds it, and hands it over.

Data: SPOT?

Spot: Mrow!

Picard: Grand.

Data: Well Spot, at least you will take up less space in our quarters.

Q appears.

Mann: Q, I realise you're gonna return us to this point in time when we're done, so I don't wanna age while I'm in the past, or I might lose some of my natural life time…

Q: Fine.. Fine, let's get you all gone.

Just as Picard, Pinky and Mann go through Q's flash, Spot unfolds and jumps in.

* * *

><p>On Earth in the past, Mann, Picard, Pinky stand.<p>

Mann: Wow, This is the country of England in the old days… If this is where I think it is, then that massive tower building over there is gonna be converted into a monument at some point in the next three years, it marks the beginning of the dictatorship that forces the country to revolt and kill all its leaders…

Picard: I didn't realise you knew so much history…

Mann: Oh wait, I was talking about France.

Picard: DAMN.

Q voice: Just so you all know, I've given you the power to change your clothes with a mere thought.

Picard smiles and his left eyebrow raises.

Mann: WHAT THE?

Mann stands wearing a short pink dress.

Mann: Take that!

Picard appears in nothing.

Mann: Because you didn't deserve to wear that uniform…

Three hours later…

Pinky: Can you two stop that now? You've been changing costumes for hours.

Mann: Ok, now what do we do?

Pinky: It's twenty eleven… there's a massive wedding in a couple of days, I wanna see it.

Mann: I'll get you there…

Picard: What is that? What's that smell?

Mann: Some kind… of GAS!

Picard: AAA! My lungs!

Picard and Mann cough desperately as cigarette smoke flies past them.

Mann: I think I'm gonna die.

Picard: Grand.

People pass by and just ignore them.

* * *

><p>Mann is wearing a beefeater outfit, holding Pinky's globe tank, near the Abbey of the wedding. The area is very crowded.<p>

Mann: I'll try to get us in there…

Mann puts his head up, and strolls through a barrier of police officers.

Mann: That was easy…

Pinky: Mann? Look behind you…

Mann: Why?

THUD THUD…

Mann looks: AAA!

Mann is soon under a pile of armed guards on the road.

* * *

><p>In a small grey cell later, Mann sits on a blue mat on top of a platform.<p>

Mann: sorry Pinky.

Pinky swims around in the toilet basin.

Pinky: Where's Jonny?

* * *

><p>In the street, Picard is holding a phaser and storming towards the Buck Palace gates.<p>

Picard: LET ME IN THERE!

A police officer steps in front of Picard.

Officer: What do you think you're doin'?

Picard: Listen, I'm just going in there, to phaser the occupants, in order to keep them unconscious until my mutated evolved lion fish can get enough money to make bail and escape the police station, in order to see the wedding…

Officer: Ok…

Picard: No hard feelings…

Picard phasers the guy, and tries to climb the gates.

He is hit in the neck by a tranquiliser dart, and falls down crushing a ginger cat.

* * *

><p>Later, Picard and Spot are in a cell in a police station.<p>

Picard: This is all your fault.

Spot: Mrow.

* * *

><p>In another cell…<p>

Mann: Pinky! I forgot, I concealed a type one phaser in my stomach! I'm gonna have to bring it up in a disgusting way though…

Pinky: Get me out of this bowl first.

Mann: Did I say stomach? I meant pants…

Pinky: I'm surprised their searches didn't find me hiding in your pants.

Mann: Your spikes have made my leg itch like mad.

Pinky: You're lucky I've evolved to such a point where I can control my venom release.

Mann sticks his hand down his trousers…

Mann: Damn, it's stuck on something… Oops, wrong weapon.

Mann pulls out a phaser…

Mann: Ok, time for an escape.

Pinky: Good…

Mann: HELP! HELP!

Mann lies on the floor, the door hatch opens, then shuts, the door opens, Mann sits up and fires at the unsuspecting police officer.

Mann: Now, if I take his uniform… it would be quite needless. C'mon Pinky.

* * *

><p>Mann is later dressed in a white choir outfit, one which drapes like a dress.<p>

He stands with the choir in the Abbey, there are thousands of people standing by seats as the wedding gets under way, the Archbishop begins to ramble.

Pinky: Mann! I can't see, get me out of here!

Mann pulls Pinky from under the dress and holds him up.

Pinky: My, look at that… Wondrous… The history, the hats, the… I could wet myself with joy and excitement… Oh dear…

Mann: twitches, and Pinky's spikes stab the man in front… He then falls down into two more…

Mann loud: DAMN IT!

The ceremony stops as everyone stares. Men in black suits advance.

Mann pulls out his phaser, and zaps them.

Mann: What? WHAT ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT? STOP GASPING AND DROPPING MONOCLES!

Bishop: What are your intentions?

Mann: I just wanted my fish to see the wedding, that's all.

Pinky: YEAH!

Everyone gasps.

Mann: He can talk, his name is Pinky, we're from the future…

An old wrinkled man whispers to an old woman in yellow, wearing a hat.

Woman posh: WHAT? I'm gonna miss it!

The old woman stands up.

Mann: My goodness, your majesty, it's a plea…

Queen: YOU SOD! IT'S COS OF YOU I'M NOW GONNA MISS JEREMY KYLE!

Mann: I prefer the American Jerry Springer, he's so much more helpful…

Man's voice: Really? IS THAT SO!

The man comes into view.

Man: YOU NEED TO STOP THIS STUPIDITY, AND ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG, THAT'S WHAT A GOOD MAN DOES!

All: Wooooh…

Mann: MA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-ANN!

Mann hands Pinky to someone else and dives at the talk-show man and starts brawling.

The audience starts hooting.

Queen: Thet's enough!

She pulls out a machine gun and fires into the air until the brawl stops…

Mann: DO YOU MIND? I'M TRYING TO TEACH THIS FAMILY DISPUTE SOLVING BUT PRAT OF A MAN A LESSON!

Queen: One is quite annoyed now! One just wanted to watch tv and eat one's nachos but no, I get dragged to this bloody boring wedding, ridiculed by a strange bald man outside my crib, and now there's a spiky fish drooling at the sight of me! ONE HAS HAD IT!

She fires as Mann rolls around on the floor.

She runs out of bullets.

Mann jumps up and aims his phaser at the Queen.

Mann: One wrong move from one and one will have a phaser blast in one's rear end. Is one clear?

Queen: Swine.

Mann: Yep. I also accept moron, pig, idiot, and Sir Spot-a-lot.

Pinky: Can I have your autographs?

Queen: Now is not the time.

Mann: WHY NOT? MAKE IT A NICE ONE!

Queen: Well, ok. What is one's name?

Pinky: PINKY!

Queen pulls out a pen and pad and starts speaking as she writes.

Queen: To my pal Pinky, Have oneself a fab day, love Ya Maj.

Mann: Now pass it round…

The Archbishop moves over and takes the pad and pen.

Mann reads as he writes.

Mann: WHILE I AM HIS FRIEND, I'M NOT A ONE MILLION PERCENT SINNER! AND HE IS NOT AN UNCLEAN CREATURE! FOR EVERYONE'S INFORMATION HE'S BEEN BATHING IN A TOILET FOR THE LAST HALF HOUR, HE'S QUITE CLEAN NOW.

Archbishop: This is not fair.

Mann: Actually you're right, it is quite disrespectful, I apologise, but it's a parody, so get with it. Besides, you're being charitable.

Queen: What's a parody?

Mann: Just something I said to distract you all, as I advance to my next target…

Mann: Are you the Prime Minister?

Man: Yes.

THWACK!

Mann: Take that!

Mann looks at another guy…

Mann: You the Deputy?

DPM: Yes…

THWACK!

Mann: OW! THAT'S IT!

THWACK… PHZ-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-ZZ-Z-Z-T-T

Mann: Hey, I accidently vapourised the leadership… guess one good thing came of all this effort.

Mann moves over to a tv camera.

Mann: I have to phaser this to stop contaminating the timeline.

Mann aims…

Voice: A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A!

A bald man in a parachute falls through the roof holding a cat and lands on Mann.

Picard: I am a crazy bald man from the future! … Is this still the wedding or is the world at war now?

Everyone gasps.

Picard: It's true, you all go to war after the discovery that America has faked the whole series of Ice Road Truckers.

Mann sits up and Picard falls over.

Mann: No, they discover that America has been hiding all the world's money in a box room in the back of a fast food restaurant.

Picard: Oh yeah, and that thing…

Mann: You mean the French who'd been replacing the alcohol in their wines with stale mineral water?

Picard: And the Germans that had secretly been replacing the world's sports car engines with cabbages.

Mann: Or is it all because of the fashion crisis in here, these hats look awful…

Everyone's hats disappear in a Q flash.

Mann: Ah, we have costume control over others as well? Hmm…

Mann stands and looks around the room at different people, he stops at the archbishop and smiles.

Archbishop: Don't even think about it.

Mann: You're all my targets!

Picard: Yes but anyway, back to the war crimes, the worst thing was that the Spanish were just peeing in wine bottles and selling them, and selling olives that they'd already sucked on…

Mann: And the oil shortage of the world was rubbish, it was all in some guy's shed… Not to mention all that other stuff again…

Rich guy in crowd: Where exactly did you get that car you bought me?

Other guy: Germany but…

THWACK!

People quickly start shouting and brawling, then Spot dives at Mann's face and knocks him back down

Q appears.

Q: You've made a mess of this then haven't you?

Picard: I know, couldn't be helped.

Pinky: PLEASE Q, PUT THIS RIGHT… PLEASE.

Q: Alright then, for you Pinky.

In a flash, everything is normal, Mann, Picard and Pinky are in beefeater outfits, Picard is holding Pinky in a tank. They stand at the side of the altar and watch the whole thing. After people start leaving, Pinky speaks.

Pinky: Wow, amazing. I feel so…

Mann: Tax thieves…

Picard: Mon enemoi.

Mann: That's not French for enemy…

Picard: Mon adversaire.

Mann: Almost…

Picard: Mon ennemi.

Mann: That's not French for enemy…

Pinky: Actually, I think it is…

Picard: J'adore poisson loin.

Mann spurts.

Mann: WHAT?

Picard: Never mind, I'm still learning French.

Pinky: Let's get to the reception!

Q voice: Sorry but my bargain was the wedding, the reception, you'll have to get in there yourselves before I help you.

Mann: No problem there…

* * *

><p>In a large room in a posh building, there are people sitting at long circular tables with a long rectangular one at the front where the Royal family sit… in their track suits and trainers. There is food all over the tables… Fish and Chips and lager.<p>

There are also clicks coming from the darkness, and the table was cold, yeah it was cold, computer give me a bright light… oh wait…

Mann dressed as a waiter carries Pinky on a plate on a bed of lettuce.

Mann: Sorry about this but it's the only way not to draw attention.

Pinky: Fine…

Mann: I'm sorry these people ate fish… Anyway, you've got moist lettuce there if you need water.

Mann walks through some standing rich people…

Woman: GHASTLY! What is that?

Pinky: MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS YOU FAT GIT! NO WONDER YOUR TITLE IS LADY, OR ELSE YOU'D FORGET! LOOSELY OF COURSE… DON'T FORGET TO SHAVE!

Woman gasps.

Mann: Sorry about that, he was a battery farm fish…

Woman: Hoomph!

Mann: I'll dispose of the fish.

Pinky: And you seriously don't need any more canapés!

Mann walks off as she lifts her nose into the air.

Mann mutters: Inbred witch.

Pinky: Which one?

Mann chuckles and puts the plate down on the main table.

Pinky: I'll absorb the atmosphere, go find Jonny and let him know I'm safe?

Mann: Ok, he's in the kitchen… Even though we're disguised as waiters, it's still nice to be here… even if all the Queen does is belch and drink lager.

Mann walks off into a corridor and then into another room, the kitchen.

The kitchen is covered in silver surfaces, with fryers and chefs everywhere.

Picard is by one surface. Mann approaches.

Mann: Pinky is safe…

A chef walks over and dumps down a couple of plates.

Chef: You man, we're really busy, I need you to sort the red lettuce salad on to the other plate, and keep the green on this one, then take it to the main table.

Mann: Mann actually.

Chef: What?

Mann shouts sounding rough: YES F*****G CHEF!

Chef: Good.

He walks off.

Mann: Prat.

Picard: Trouble, Spot severed a nerve in my right leg, she's in here on the loose.

Spot jumps on to the plate from nowhere and postures hissing.

Mann grabs a lid and slams it over the plate.

Picard: Grand.

Comm: Pinky to Mann, they're picking at me with forks, if they scare me I'll lose control of my venom control! I'll drown in my own poisson…

Mann: I see that joke Pinky!

Pinky: Thought you'd like it… Can you all come up here?

Mann: Ok.

He picks up the two plates and walks off followed by Picard.

Mann: HEY! You said…

Picard: The nerve is fixed now.

Mann: Bah…

The two walk into the dining room and place the plates on the main table in front of the Queen.

Mann lifts the lid…

Mann: Oh wait…

Spot dives out and into her face, knocking her in her chair backwards.

Mann: Erm… April fool?

Picard: My-my…

Mann: Stop smiling you old pervert.

Men in black suits run over and shoot tranquiliser darts into Spot.

Mann: That's better.

Pinky: Wow… You missed the speeches, mostly rambling about package holidays and cheap tv programs… I've seen the wedding, the dinner, now all I need is to swim in the river Thames…

Mann: Ok, The Captain wants to see the Millennium Dome for… obvious reasons…

Pinky: Super.

Queen husband: A talking fish? Lousy service? Stinks of French, that's French all over.

Picard: How d-eh-h-h you!

Queen husband: Sell your hair for booze money?

Picard: Get off my bridge!

Mann: What?

Picard: Instinct… Anyway…

Picard picks up Pinky and throws him like a frisbee into the Queen's husband.

Queen husband: OW! French rudeness knows no bounds really… does it?

Pinky: WOW! Never thought I'd be this close… just give me more warning next time Jonny.

Picard: I… I'm so sorry…

Mann: NO! Now isn't the ti- oh no!

Picard is kneeling on the floor.

Picard: PL-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-EA-A-A-A-A-AS-S-S-S-S-SE! FOR-GIVE ME-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!

Mann picks up Picard as a huge crowd stares.

Picard: Erm…

Mann: Sorry, you'll have to excuse him, he's not inbred like you lot.

The crowd pull out monocles and stare frowning.

Pinky: What? He's not…

* * *

><p>Later in the river, Pinky is swimming close to the surface…<p>

Pinky: Lucky I'm scotch-guarded, this pollution is awful.

Pinky dives…

…and is swallowed by a small whale.

Pinky is then inside it's large stomach.

Pinky: Whales aren't meant to be in the Thames! Oh no, it heard me…

The Whale heads off out into sea.

* * *

><p>Later in London, in a busy street, Mann and Picard stand in their uniforms…<p>

Mann: I'm worried, Pinky should've checked in by now.

Picard: Mann, look, I'm a street thug!

Picard pushes some random tall guy wearing dark clothes and a leather jacket.

The guy turns around and picks up Picard and looks menacing.

Picard: I'm not responsible for that, it was my friend over there… Mann, that Mann.

Picard points.

Guy: Oh, I see, you taking your dad out for the day? Keep him on his pills or next time I'll knife you.

Mann: He ain't my dad…

Picard: No, actually we're probably more distant…

Guy: Fine, you're about to get cut!

He looks down to see a phaser being pointed at his nose.

Mann hard-man: Put him down or I'll turn you into a puddle.

Guy: You dissin' me? You gonna regret this.

Mann: What kind of word is that? Sounds like butchery… You English have lost your way… for shame…

Picard: Mann?

Mann: Don't worry, I'll phaser him.

Picard: Timeline?

Mann: Oh, right…

Mann flings Spot at the guy's face with his free hand, and the guy instantly drops Picard, and falls over being hacked.

Mann pulls out a tricorder and scans…

Mann: Can't detect Pinky within two miles… Pollution and crime are interfering with the signal…

Picard: Hm…

He walks to an old woman.

Picard: Stop looking like that… I just wanted to ask you a question, have you seen and heard a pointy back-talking lion fish around?

Woman: Don't mug me!

She hits Picard with her bag…

Picard: MANN!

Mann grabs Spot by the tail and flings her at the woman, who falls down being hacked.

After a minute…

Picard: That's enough…

The guy gets up… and Mann flings Spot back on to him.

* * *

><p>Later, Mann and Picard are in a motorised boat heading out of the city…<p>

Mann: I feel kinda guilty using the volunteer lifeboat but, erm… I volunteered.

Picard is scanning with a tricorder.

Picard: Detecting a whale… And foul language… It's Pinky alright.

Picard taps his badge.

Picard: Pinky?

Comm: JONNY! The whale ate me!

Picard: I'm sending Mann down to get you!

Mann: Tie this rope to… AAA!

Picard pushes Mann over the side of the boat.

Mann swims over to the whale. He nudges its mouth with his boot. He then kicks it. It opens. Mann swims in and runs through to the stomach…

Mann: eew eew, eew!

Pinky: Mann!

Mann: Pinky!

Mann picks up Pinky and sticks him to his tricorder holster with his spikes.

Pinky: How do we get out?

Mann: This way… I'm all for saving whales but in this case I've no choice but to cause some slight discomfort.

Mann Kicks the side of the wall with his boot… the chamber shakes, and the whale pukes them out.

Mann climbs back on the boat.

Picard: PINKY! … Mann? What are you covered in?

Mann: Is the whale alright?

Picard: You saw Riker down there?

Mann: No…

Picard scans.

Picard: Minor stomach upset, already healed.

Mann: Actually it was the front end of my boot.

Picard: Very funny.

Pinky: Well, that was fun, I just want to do one more thing…

* * *

><p>Mann: I can't believe we're really doing this…<p>

Picard: That bus fare was ridiculous.

Pinky: There he is! Great great, great, great, great uncle Pinky!

The four stand in an aquarium between two large tanks that make up the walls.

Lion fish swim around inside them.

Mann: Wow…

Picard: Amazing…

Mann: SHARK!

A shark heads for the fish.

Picard: Good Lord…

Mann: Where's Spot?

Spot appears inside the tank heading for the shark, she hacks at it until it leaves… then swims off.

Mann: Cats hate water, I don't know how to explain that…

Picard: The blood does… It's a reflection… She's been clawing up you… And the shark is in the tank behind us…

Mann: DAMN IT!

The lion fish in the tank swims over and looks, its eyes bulge.

Pinky: He knows…

Picard presses his hands and face against the tank.

Pinky: He finds the sight of a weirdo pressed up very amusing.

Mann: Aw…

Pinky: Well, time to go home…

Mann: Bye Pinky ancestor.

Pinky: Jonny? You're taking up his meditation time…

In the tank…

Picard: PL-EB-EB-EB-EB-SSSE- FOR-BLIB M-BL-BLB-L

* * *

><p>Later in a London street the four stand holding shopping bags.<p>

Mann: Nice that this country has so many crappy gift shops. Anyway, how do we get home?

Picard: Q! DAMN IT Q! I AM NOT AMUSED.

Mann: Ahem.

Picard: WE ARE NOT AMUS… oh very funny.

Q flash… the four appear on the Enterprise ready room.

Picard: Get off my bridge!

Mann steps back.

Pinky in tank: Wow… amazing experience.

Mann: Yeah I suppose.

* * *

><p>A session with Counsellor Troi…<p>

Troi is lounging on the couch.

Mann, looking a bit fat, stands over her…

Mann: Darling Deanna, I missed you so…

Troi: Will, it won't work, take off that primitive cardboard mask…

Riker: What?

Troi: Trying to test my responses to incriminate Mann? Idiot.

Riker takes off his mask.

Troi: Now please, leave.

Riker storms out through the wall.

Troi: Clean that.

Riker: Ship will clean itself…

A buzzing noise and blue energy field appears over the broken debris, the wall then reappears as the field disappears.

The door chime sounds.

Troi sits up.

Troi: Come in.

The door opens and Pinky in a tank on a platform with pylons attached to wheels zooms in and parks in front of Troi.

Troi: So, how are you?

Pinky: GREAT! I got so many people gifts from my trip… Mann said it was lucky Q didn't impose a baggage limit.

Troi chuckles.

Riker voice: You're a dead Mann, Mann, a dead Mann.

Troi: So, tell all.

Pinky: We saw one of my ancestors and I got stuck in a whale for a while.

Troi: Wow… the wedding, was there chocolate?

Pinky: Nope, lots of lager though…

Troi: Dessert is the best part of any meal.

Pinky: Yeah…

* * *

><p>Later in Mann's quarters, Mann is at his desk reading his laptop screen.<p>

Mann: Take Ensign Gates off the night shift and replace her with Ensign Mm… But then Mm wants to run the night watch… replace her with Ensign Ro…

Riker storms in through the closed doors.

He grabs Mann by the collar and stands him up.

Mann's hand scrambles over the desk and picks up an object, he then shoves it in Riker's face.

Riker: What the? For me?

Mann: Real stuff…

Riker: I've always wanted toilet tissue made of real paper… so soft, triple velvet… I've been waiting for this for years… I love you Mann.

Mann: Yeah, so does Troi… Well, that's what she said when I gave her a REAL chocolate sundae.

Riker: YOU!

Riker wraps the toilet paper around Mann's neck…

Mann: AAA! WHY WON'T IT SNAP!

Riker: ULTRA STRONG! ULTRA THICK!

Mann: Like Troi's willpower…

Riker: Don't mention her name!

Mann: TROI! TROI! TROI! TROI!

Picard storms in.

Picard: Who keeps shouting the number three over and over?

Geordi walks in from the bathroom.

Geordi: If I wanted to get a message into another time loop, that might be the way I'd do it.

Mann: What were you doing in there?

Geordi: Is it not engineering?

Mann: No…

Picard: Will, let Mann go… COMMANDER!

Riker unwraps Mann, and reveals he's made of chocolate… Not really.

Riker unwraps the paper from Mann's neck.

Picard: Get off my bridge!

Riker looks down.

Picard: Yes, I bought more track.

Riker: Where did you get the money from?

Mann: I phasered an ATM.

Picard: And when that didn't work, Pinky rolled around on the buttons until the spikes triggered the right code.

Riker: Didn't they usually require a card of some kind?

Mann: Yep, Data left some mechanical toaster components on Spot's collar for decoration. Pinky helped us modify them to resemble a bank card… That fish is amazing…

* * *

><p>In the ready room the monitor is facing Pinky's tank, showing Mann and Riker.<p>

Pinky: Wow, they do appreciate me…

A mobile tank zooms in through the door.

Pinky: Livingston?

Livingston: Yes, me.

Pinky: Next time, I'll take you with me, you wouldn't believe the size of the fish tanks in the past.

Livingston: Hmph.

He drives out.

* * *

><p>Pinky's Log, under my rock, near my stones… I have got to cheer up Livingston, it's going to be my new mission from now until… he's cheerful. Must have had his filter switched off when he was a child… Can't imagine why he's so unhappy these days…<p>

* * *

><p>In another room, it's dark, and resembling crew quarters, Livingston sits in a tank, next to him is a plastic bottle of pills.<p>

Livingston like Pinky: Not again, which one of my personalities put the lid on those things? I need them!

Livingston turns around rapidly.

Livingston mean: ME! I will make them pay!

Livingston turns around rapidly.

Livingston like Pinky: WHAT? JONNY! I HAVE TO WARN YOU!

Livingston turns around rapidly.

Livingston mean: Too late… Computer, hail the Romulan warship Deloris on my private channel…

Comm: Livingston this is Guinan, is everything alright in there?

Livingston mean: Everything's fine Hatzilla…

Comm: Ok, sorry to bother you, Ten Forward out.

Livingston mean: So you should be… And so will you all be… … I'd laugh in an evil way but it would just sound like bubbles… Oh well, no one knows that I didn't laugh evilly.


End file.
